By Emily Williams
While bells ring throughout the community, ushering in holiday cheer, those who aren’t feeling so merry and bright may find it hard to join in on the fun.
Community Grief Support’s clinical director, Steve Sweatt, said those grieving a loss should make a plan for dealing with their emotions on a holiday, whether they choose to follow the traditions of the past or make a radical change to their routines.
From the Community Grief Support offices in Homewood, Sweatt regularly counsels adult individuals and groups on dealing with grief in a healthy way. Sweatt is a licensed professional counselor, as well as an ordained Baptist minister, who was led to grief support through his own experiences with the struggle.
“For me, I think it was the death of my father, my Army sergeant major father, who died of a heart attack when he was 46 years,” Sweatt said. He was 11 at the time of his father’s death, and he said his efforts to heal himself propelled him to ministry, followed by hospital chaplaincy and finally mental health counseling.
“It is very commonplace when an individual is experiencing bereavement to have multiple secondary losses,” Sweatt said. “For instance, the spouse who loses her husband is not only losing a lover and companion, but also maybe a source of income. Maybe there’s a drop in social status, she loses her identity as a married person and maybe her social circle.”
According to Sweatt, there are multiple layers of loss that must be recognized. The first is grief – how we react to a loss of any kind, whether that be emotionally, socially or spiritually.
“Grief is not just an emotional experience,” he said. “It affects us on multiple domains of being.”
The next element is mourning – each person’s unique way of giving expression to their grief. Sweatt said everyone is different and there is no one way that grief manifests itself.
Last is the element of coping – how we calm and soothe ourselves in times of stress.
“When they bump up against reminders of their loved one, that can really lead to a resurgence of grief and an exacerbation of mourning,” Sweatt said. “The holidays are a natural time for that because it’s a time for family, a festive time, a time when family connection is most keenly felt.”
Because the holidays are a time for communal celebration, Sweatt said, many people who have experienced a loss should keep a few things in mind so they can best enjoy the season.
Number one on his list is to have some awareness of your typical response to feelings of grief.
“We find that survivors typically move in one of several directions,” he said. “One would be – especially after a sudden traumatic or violent loss – they may make a radical departure from tradition. It’s just too painful to stay in town or to celebrate the holiday.” He suggests that people entertain the idea of going to the beach or out of state.
On the opposite end, there are those who lean into tradition during times of bereavement because it is comforting and feels familiar. In such situations, Sweatt suggests modifying the tradition to avoid any major triggers. Do less of one aspect of celebration if you think you cannot get into the spirit of it, but don’t cut out all of the tradition if you need something to lighten the atmosphere or brighten your mood.
For those who choose to stick to tradition, Sweatt said it is important to prepare for a sudden onset of grief.
“We encourage people to think of a plan and allow that to be flexible and to share that plan with people in their family and friendship circles,” he said. “What might be the potential triggers for causing the survivor a lot of upset? What would you like to do and what don’t you want to do?”
He suggests relaying this plan to the person whom you would turn to first in a time of crisis and tell them what you need to calm and soothe yourself.
“If you have a strong grief reaction, which is perfectly normal, we encourage survivors to prepare for that and allow some space for the emergence of grief,” he said. “Some people are naturally more feeling and expressive; they need to talk, share, connect and release. Others are quieter; they seek out involvement in activity to give expression to their grief. Some are both.”
These are just a few steps that can aide a person grieving during the holidays. For continued support, Sweatt suggests attending a support group or meeting with a grief counselor.
“(Support groups) can expand their sense of community,” Sweatt said. “Grief can be incredibly isolating and the survivor is very focused on his or her own pain. That has the unintentional effect of shutting people out. Maybe a survivor withdraws because people aren’t responding appropriately or helpfully.”
Support groups are often attended by volunteers who have been through the program and return to help those in need. Sweatt said the social interaction with a group can be helpful, particularly for those who have withdrawn from or lost social contact because of a loss.
“Programs can also reduce a survivor’s sense of feeling abnormal,” he said. “Knowing that other people are experiencing similar reactions could be comforting.”
For more information on adult grief support, visit www.communitygriefsupport.org. For information on adolescent grief support, Sweatt suggests visiting www.ameliacenter.org. ϖ
