By Susan Murphy
It’s calendar-crunch time again, that May/June rush of Mothers’ Day, Father’s Day, graduations, recitals and well-deserved teacher appreciation. Throw in a wedding and a baby shower and you’re looking at a good hour and a half at the card store.
Not that I mind. Shopping for cards is one of my favorite pastimes. Whenever I have a stray moment, I duck into a card store to add to my birthday stash. I don’t like waiting until the last minute because, just like the perfect little black dress, you can never find the perfect card when you need one.
For me, cards are not a generic afterthought. They’re the best part of the gift, and because each person on my card list has a distinct personality, they require a different card prescription.
My mom gets a picture of cute furry animals and a cheery sentiment, nothing schmaltzy, just some sunshine and happy thoughts for her special day. My dad is another story. He’s not a sailboat/fishing rod/shady lane kind of guy, so a stock “Birthday for Him” card won’t do. My dad likes one-liners, puns, something quick and clever. And nothing off-color, which sometimes poses a challenge. There have been seasons when I was convinced that all of the card writers were still in seventh grade, either that or I had seriously miscalculated the number of people out there who want to honor their loved one with a reference to passing gas.
Finding the perfect card for my sister is a year-long quest. Just like our annual ugly Christmas ornament exchange, our birthday card handoff is a much-anticipated event. The card has to be crazy and creative, playing dangerously close to the bizarre. What am I talking about? If it doesn’t pass “bizarre” in a mad rush, it’s not even in the running.
And again, nothing off-color. That’s comic laziness. Anybody can do that. The idea is to find a picture and sentiment so brilliantly strange that I wish I’d thought of it myself. Those cards aren’t easy to find, so I buy each one I come across. In fact, if I find a real winner I buy two, one for my sister and one for myself, so that some dark day when I need a little giggle, I’ll have one ready to go.
Buying cards for my husband Harold is the biggest challenge of all. He’s not a sailboat kind of guy either, unless that sailboat is tied up at a Tiki bar with a big screen TV. Apparently, neither am I, because on our last three wedding anniversaries, Harold and I have given each other the exact same card. I’m not sure whether it means that we like the same things or that we’ve been together for so long that we’re now operating on one shared brain.
Either way, it’s a bit of a letdown, so the challenge has become to find an obscure card location that Harold hasn’t come across. I’ve scanned racks at megamarts and craft stores, tea rooms and hair salons. I even scoped out the display at the carwash, where incidentally I found a card that said, “To Our Son on his Wedding Day.” Seemed a funny place to buy such a card, but then again, I was there looking for an anniversary card for a man I’ve been married to for 35 years, so who am I to judge?
If this off-site tack doesn’t work, I may just suggest that Harold and I save time and money and go in on a single card, a go-green, save-a-tree alternative. Better yet, we could just forget the card entirely and go out to eat where we’ll split our usual entree and share a dessert.
In the electricity-saving candlelight, we’ll raise a glass to each other (we’ll each have our own glass) and say, “Happy anniversary.” “Ditto.”
It’s a great idea. I’ll bring it up tonight. Who am I kidding? Harold’s probably already thought about it.
