My son, Brother, recently got married and, ahead of the happy day, I was telling everyone about it. Everyone. You’re the total stranger in line behind me at the Pig? I mentioned it. My spin class at the Y knows all about it. So does our mail carrier, people at the nail salon and anyone I’ve worked with in the past six months.
When I’d tell people, nearly everyone replied: “How wonderful! Do you like her?” And I told them all, “No. I love her.”
Because I do love Ana. She’s the perfect life partner for Brother. And besides, I’m just not going to be that mother-in-law.
You know – the difficult one with her unsolicited advice and bossiness. The mean, meddlesome one. The stereotype. The kind of mother-in-law that the wedding-day makeup artist said he has “to navigate.” (Yes, Ana included me in the getting-ready part of the day. I loved every moment of being with her and her mom and bridesmaids.)
But I did my part to make the wedding weekend special, too, approaching my role in a way that was intentionally helpful and kind and loving.
My husband and I put a lot of thought into the rehearsal dinner, which, I’ll admit, I kept calling “my party.” Because, well, it sorta was. But, still, I made sure, in the end, that the evening was all about celebrating Ana and Brother.
Instead of numbered tables (no table nine of nine at my party!), I worked with Brother to design postcards using photos of the places he and Ana have traveled – places that are most meaningful to them, where they’ve already made sweet memories. Cape Town, South Africa. Yosemite. Joshua Tree. Bankhead National Forest. Flat Laurel Creek. They are an adventurous couple, and this was a way to share their shared passion for travel and discovery.
It was a fun way to direct people to their seats. When they arrived, each guest received an envelope with a postcard that corresponded to a larger version on each table. Their postcard was their table “destination.”
But actually, the postcards were more than that.
Each one was stamped and pre-addressed to Ana and Brother. Everyone was encouraged to write their best wishes or marriage advice on their postcards and mail them or give them to the couple. Many people did this that night. And each day’s mail is bringing a new perspective.
“Be true to yourselves. Be loyal to each other. Be open to what life brings you.”
“There’s no winning an argument with your spouse because if you win, that means the love of your life has lost. And that’s not a good thing.”
“Marry the right person. (DONE!)”
“Choose listening over talking. Choose questions over statements. Assume best intentions. See everything through the lens of your best moments. You got this!”
And in this way, with guests happily participating, the evening became an absolute and ongoing celebration of love. And Ana and Brother have special keepsakes they can always treasure.
I’ve been married for nearly 37 years, but I’m paying attention to these messages, too. Because it occurs to me that I don’t always approach every day with this kind of intentionality and thoughtfulness and love. I could do better. Probably most of us could do better.
There are families we are born into and those we choose. We can also choose how to be in those families, how to interact with each other. I call Ana my daughter-in-love. I aim to be her mother-in-love, too.
